listening to the old songs. i smile and remember and carry a feeling of happiness and light before my inner eye. the past seems always easier. brighter. i want to dance right here, but stand still. i do not want to sit and cry. i do not want anyone to cry. neither together with you. i am hungry but don't eat. i am cold and put on a sweater. watch the time pass by. blood on skin. nobody thought we would ever get this far and nevertheless not close. i crouch. it isn't only that i miss the summer and the sun, right? i sit and watch the shift. too lazy even to carry the water over. too vast an emptiness to capture. drink it in huge gulps. no regrets so they say. too much of some, nothing of something other. don't let yourself hanging. she is not there and won't be today or tomorrow. we do not hurt by intention. i have a hard time to forgive this time. have no expectations so it cannot disappoint. we cling on to the things we won't have. be love. surprised by my own voice under the shower.

all these wonderful people. so wonderfully unhappy. no one will rescue us. except ourselves.