this is the happy me

i am back. just for one two nights and then off again. so i keep on changing my nest at short intervals. in a way, i am always "here". now. i notice once more how i LOVE kale, steaming some right now, to be enjoyed with oil and vinegar in a bit. got most of the christmas gifts together, working on cards that will arrive at your mailboxes late this year, or maybe next, but the intent is all that matters. i was so cut off in Dhamma land, wonderful.


i sense all the christmas combat around. entered one mall today only to stop and look at the huge green tree with big round golden christmas baubles made of thousands of smaller ones. everyone around me was running, rushing, bustling. i stood and watched the goldish glow cast their speedy shadows.

in my mind i am still marvelling at the first night that was so clear and full of stars, almost two weeks ago. it is on Dhamma land that the nightly sky feels brighter. i leave the inner silence of meditation, still conscious of sensations on my body, step out the Dhamma hall and my eyes get lost in eternity, mind and body silenced once more. and then i get a grasp of the vastness of panya (Pali for 'wisdom') of which i am part, of which we are all part.

i can watch a storm rage outside and then upon turning inside i observe the storm rise and fade in the particles of my body. a truth is revealed: everything is in flux. i am in flux. this blog is in flux. and so are you with me. we arised and we will pass away.

i miss my Dhamma family. good times to join you for a tea in the kitchen in-between.

the remaining nights were full of clouds carrying all the snow that we were presented with - each day anew.

i am so calm now. i realize with a mightiness that is quite breathtaking that this view directed into me and what i perceive within me is only what i can feel. neither can i look inside you and observe your sensations. is this the very own 'self' of ours? is the 'me' merely the perspective? everything else of the 'me' will dissolve over time - so i hope. in the end, even happiness does not matter. whatever the storm may be, i want to sail it peacefully.